The Lyrics
I’m so alone, so reviled, so unwanted
Still so encumbered, indebted, entrusted
I’ve lived this slow and painful death
Mostly without knowing it’s death at all
Some seem to feel the need to show
Where blame must go
I’ll take all the blame if I must
I’m letting go
Child I hope this won’t break your heart
Please tell me someday you will be fine
I will not miss what I thought was forever
I agonize what it meant for you
Some seem to feel the need to show
Where blame must go
I’ll take all the blame if I must
I’m letting go
Now start the years of the uneasy treaty
Now we will see if good intentions are fulfilled
Can you imagine a love unrequited
And how that erodes a grown man’s soul?
Some seem to feel the need to show
Where blame must go
I’ll take all the blame if I must
I’m letting go
Notes
Despite being a big fan of the blues, I’m generally not a big fan of sad songs. Or even breakup songs. But sometimes when you’re working on original material, one song steps up among the works in progress and says “I’m next.” So a sad song is coming to you.
I am aware that breakup songs are a big deal these days. I would offer that most of those songs are about two people. And a breakup involving two people can be devastating, I know.
But as devastating as such a couple’s breakup can be, I would also offer that it’s a beginner’s level breakup. When you have children involved, an entirely new level of pain appears.
There are breakup songs about revenge, sorrow, freedom, and even humor. But other than a couple of local artists I’m aware of, very few deal with the pain of how breakups impact the children involved. (Ben Aycock would be one of those local artists, btw, with his brilliant song named “Unexpected Call”)
So with all that said, where to begin with this little trauma nugget? Well, our narrator is about to tear the Band-Aid off and break the news to his wife and children. The reality that his children have been living in their whole lives is about to end. Despite being in a house full of people, he’s utterly alone as he’s doing this.
This ending isn’t because of cheating. That would be too easy. It’s a situation where it’s clear the romantic relationship is gone and has devolved to a level of disrespect wearing a thin veil over hostility. The death may have happened some time ago, but the commitment to the household responsibilities easily mask it into a hostage situation. Probably for both of the adults. Cheating would make it too clear who was at fault in this failure, and somehow who is at fault seems important.
Finally, it just doesn’t matter how they got here. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. The soul crushing environment just needs to come to an end.
But then…are kids going to be held hostage in this situation? Can he and his wife agree on a reasonable visitation schedule that he can live with? If so, can he believe that that schedule will be adhered to for years? How is he fair to her and the kids financially without becoming destitute? Is a new romantic partner going to bring in an element that he really doesn’t want his kids exposed to? Is the risk of all that worth it, or should he just suck up the pain and stay encumbered? But if he stays, will a toxic environment impact the little people who asked for none of this?
The kids aren’t going to know what they’re not getting. Is he going to be blamed by friends and acquaintances for what they are going through? And at what point does that just not matter?
The Letting Go is inevitable.
The real life happy ending here is that the past 20 years or so have turned out much better than this lyricist would have expected. My daughter actually asked to live with me in 6th grade (uncontested by her mother) and has a wonderful relationship with the stepmother she got out of this deal. My son is having his special needs path navigated by his mother without the constant friction that would have occurred had I been active in that course. Is it the course I would have charted? Probably not, but fighting for that control would not necessarily produced better results. I had to let go. It gave me the space to make so many other positive impacts for others.
Have my kids missed out by not living in the nuclear family environment I did? I think in a perfect world the answer is yes. But I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t think a supportive environment would have been there for them even if I hadn’t let go.
Even today I sometimes have to remember to let go for the benefit of my adult kids. Don’t let go if you don’t have to. But if you do have to, remember that the impact of such a decision does not end. At least if you’re lucky it doesn’t.
